"Have you blogged lately," asked my mom.
"No, I haven't."
"Hmm, that doesn't sound like you.." my mom countered with a concerned expression.
"I know."
And that is what postpartum depression looks like, for me.
It's not being able to function in your normal routine let alone add in extras that you-used-to-love-still-do-somewhere-deep-down-but-how-do-you-get-there-again type of thing. It's the crazy thoughts that run through your mind and having to put the laundry down so you can reign your thoughts back in and logically dissect each one until you can continue folding the towels. It's the adding too much to your plate too soon and feeling buried in a hole that you can't climb out of. It's the not wanting to tell your husband about the towel-folding-incident and the overwhelming pressure you feel crashing on you because you don't want to make him worry or add to his already full plate. It's your life flipping upside down, going topsy-turvy, resurfacing to a "normal" for awhile only to be thrown back down again. It's willing, forcing, everything to be okay when sometimes, it's just not. It's looking at your child and feeling a mountain of grief and guilt that you've missed so much in their first year just being sick and recovering - still. It's feeling like you can't do or say anything right and watching the mom next you making #momlife look like a breeze and wondering why you can't get on that level. It's replying on autopilot, giving appropriate responses, and feeling disconnected, lost in a fog. It's wanting to feel validated for these experiences and watching someone's eyes glaze over as they are confronted with your transparency, leaving you to feel rejected and alone. But hey, it's just a reflection of our politically correct society where everything is always "fine" or "good" if asked how life is, right? It's praying to God daily to fix you. It's losing your identity, mourning who you "used" to be, and trying to figure how much of the identity pie chart is a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, and yourself. But, just who are you, again?
It's was, and still is, crippling.
But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am slowly nearing it. I can now enjoy weeks at a time without the pull downwards and hope to return to blogging about more joyful things soon. I know that blogging rules 101 state that you shouldn't address your silence and to just carry on with a regular-ish post but, I just thought I needed to share where I've been. Too often, we over glorify the postpartum period (and why not, our babies are truly a precious gift!) as this magical period of mystical happenings. While there are definitely beautiful things about postpartum, there is also something to be said in the reality of the day to day adjustment, being transparent, normalizing this adjustment, and supporting each other through all of motherhood, not just the good parts.
oh britt, it's so hard to find your new normal. It's like you're just sitting in a fog of yikes. I sweat like a psycho path being questioned by the fbi, and no one can tell me why besides just saying, hormones. I cry a lot. There are days I'm waiting for Michael to walk through the door so I can have a beer or a glass of wine because I was just done being mom.
ReplyDeleteYou can get through this chapter in your book, and as sweet little man gets bigger, he will only remember the good times with you.
If you ever need anything, know you can always call or text. Miss you so much !
I definitely get it. There are times when Scott gets home that I just want a break and to go hibernate somewhere. haha. I've been kind of declaring a mandatory glass of wine & reading night every other week. Someone mentioned that you just take one day, one week, one month at a time and chip away at what where you see yourself/want to be. That advice has been so helpful. There was just so much, all at once, when Hugo was born that caused so many forced lifestyle changes and I am terrible at being treating my body. Hugo has an excellent routine, this girl not so much.
DeleteHopefully you guys will be heading up this way sometime soon! We were going to try and make it down to C.S. but Scott is on orders to be gone for the month of July and that kind of changed our summer plans a bit. Miss you too!